I used to be enthusiastic about writing this blog. I used to be enthusiastic about the program, about being here, about training. Much of is dormant or gone. Hidden under other responsibilities, the stress of balancing said responsibilities on top of the training objectives and personal goals, insomnia, feelings of frustration, feelings of unfairness, dealing with injuries that are probably a permanent part of my life, the list continues.
I’m forever grateful for friends and family who have supported me from the beginning. I’m well aware that some of you didn’t think it was a good idea. Some were blatantly vocal while others told me subtly through encouraging words lined with doubt in their tone or expressions. I don’t blame anyone for expressing their opinions. On the contrary, I respect you for being open and honest, even if it was subtle. If you didn’t agree with my choice, you were concerned with my well being and I value that. The fact that you encouraged me regardless of your doubt touches me more. You believed that I could succeed (whatever that means) or at least survive. One of the purposes of this blog was to share my experiences with my supporters. I owed you this at the very least. Another was to share what I learned on the technical side.
On the technical side, well, 1) What do I have to share that hasn’t been shared already? I’ve been here for almost 5 years, but there are many others with far more experience and knowledge. In comparison, what do I know? Sure, everyone has something to offer that may be of value to someone. I will continue to share by teaching. That was one of my original goals since before the program and it hasn’t changed.
2) Putting what I’ve learned in writing or on video will take more time than I have right now. There are less than 3 months left in this semester. I still have much to do.
Writing at least once every 2 weeks was one of many small goals I’ve failed in. Sometimes, all I think or feel is negativity and I ponder whether I can or should express it in public. I know you understand that I can’t share everything. I’m honest with what I say, but I can’t be completely open. Inevitably, the picture I paint is censored or misleading. (Then again, what isn’t?) I often feel too negative about the issue at hand, which then leaves me with no motivation to write, let alone take the time to polish my writing. Sometimes I do write, but I never end up publishing the post.
Why am I publishing this now? I want you to know, even if it’s just part of the picture. It’s dishonest to mislead supporters into thinking everything is going swimmingly. It’s not my intention to patronize anyone. I know you’re aware that this is a path with many bumps and dead-ends. That’s why some of you didn’t agree with my choice in the first place. You still support me unconditionally (or you’re curious enough to have read this far) and I don’t know if I deserve it. At least if share this tiny bit, maybe my subconscious mind believes I’m a little more deserving of your support.
I’m publishing because it’s liberating to bare the truth, or at least take off one layer of the mask. We sometimes discuss the concept of having “no mask.” It’s impossible to do that, even here. We’re encouraged to be truthful to ourselves and to others. It’s part of the process of facing our ugly sides to accomplish our goals and/or reach enlightenment. It’s part of striving to be a moral person. In my time here, I’ve witnessed others and personally reached a point of catharsis on more than one occasion. In a way, it’s gratifying to believe we’re cultivating personal growth. It’s so rare to see this “off the mountain.” It could be seen as a minor indicator of success. Or major milestone, depending on your point of view.
Don’t bother over analyzing and dissecting this post. It’s a snapshot. A picture of a wave in the ocean. I'm okay. Really.
I suppose a third reason I’m publishing is because although it’s likely to be buried in a sea of nonsense, maybe, just maybe this will help someone in some small way. (Maybe I am an optimist, looking for a good outcome in a negative post. It's a long way from where I used to be.)
Your social media feed is filled with the positives that people want you to see. Here's one for the negatives!